anthonyking:

Ever watch a situation comedy on television and think to yourself, “I could write better than that!” Or have you ever been watching a comedic television program and thought, “Whoa! What the fuck?”

Then YOU can write a sitcom.

Hello, my name is Anthony King. I have been a paid writer for television for more than two months. I’ve also written many beloved unproduced shows such as Basketball Friends, Who’s Dog Is This?, Downside Up, and The Pythagorean Harem. Now I want to share what I have learned with you.

BREAKING IN

If becoming a television writer was easy, everyone would do it. Right? That makes sense. So if you want to “beat your way into the business,” you need three things:

1. A Cool Name
Think about it. Would you rather read a script written by someone named “Johnson Boringname,” or someone with a real kickass name like “Zane” or “Diablo Cody?” If you want your script to be read, change your name. And make it cool!

2. A Cool Handshake
Show business is all about who you know. That’s why you need a cool handshake. Here’s one I used when I met Ben Savage: high five, low five, finger wag, spin around, clap your hands, slap your cheeks, say “howdy do.”

3. A Phone
I know you think you don’t need a phone. But you do. Just trust me. Get a fucking phone.

SCRIPT NOTES

So you’ve got a big idea and you’re ready to write a script. Well, even if you never write that script, you can tell people you’re writing it for the rest of your life. But either way, here are a few DOs and DONTs:

DO number your pages.
Face it, at some point you’re going to lose your computer and throw your script out a car window. YOU’RE GOING TO WANT THOSE PAGE NUMBERS!

DON’T use adverbs.
I learned this one from Steven King. “Human beings never use adverbs.” So unless you’re writing a sitcom for robots or leprechauns, you should never use a verb adjective. (Also, don’t waste your time writing a sitcom for robots or leprechauns. I already tried. And nobody wanted to read The Tiny Irish Robot Family.)

DO use your Creative Hat (TM).
Let’s say you’re writing a scene where CHARACTER #1 needs to tell CHARACTER #2 all about the Irish Robot BBQ this weekend. For some reason it’s not funny! That’s when you need to put on your Creative Hat (TM). What if Character #1 uses a funny accent? Or what if they’re in space? Or what if Character #2 is in space and Character #1 uses that funny accent? You’ll figure it out.

DON’T cast Ben Savage.
He’s a jerk and he’s bad at handshakes.

CONGRATULATIONS

If you followed the rules I’ve laid out here, then you’re probably a TV writer. That means you’re rich! And that means you can write your next television sitcom from a hot air balloon!